MUSICIAN JOKES (in Score Order) How do you get two piccolo players to play a perfect unison? Shoot one. What's the definition of a minor second? Two oboists playing a perfect unison. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? No one cries when you chop up an oboe. Why is playing an English horn like wetting your pants when you're wearing a dark suit? Both give you a warm feeling, but no one notices. What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? A bassoon burns longer. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital. Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in handicapped zones. What is perfect pitch? When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim. What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? You can tune a lawnmower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it. How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating. How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato. How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it. How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? Stick you hand in the bell and play the wrong notes. What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country/Western singer in the road? The country/Western singer may have been on the way to a recording session. How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? Take the Dominos' Pizza sign off the roof. What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? "Year-at-a-Glance." What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? Skid marks in front of the snake. What's the range of a tuba? About twenty yards, if you have a good arm. What's a tuba for? 1+" x 3+". What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig? "Would you like fries with that, sir?" What did the timpanist get on his IQ test? Drool. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They have machines to do that now. English horn: Neither English nor a horn, not to be confused with the French horn, which is German. And then there's these: Q: How do you make a guitarist play quieter? A: Put a sheet of music in front of him. Q: How do you make him stop? A: Put notes on it! Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller? A: See flat major. Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in? A: C sharp or B flat.. Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone? A: A sharp major. Q: How can you tell if there's a drummer at your door? A: The knocking speeds up. Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door? A: The knocking gets slower. Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in. Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? A: Put it in a viola case. Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? A: Counterpoint. Q: How do you get 5 oboes in tune? A: Shoot 4 of them. Q: What is the difference between A saxophone and a chainsaw? A: The grip. Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but I could've done better". Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in OR A: One, but only after asking "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"OR A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb)OR A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.OR A: None. They have a machine that does that now. Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One: He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.OR A: None: Get the drummer to do it. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.OR A: Six: One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light. Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven - one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was. Q: How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Hey man, I just do sound."OR A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the but fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band. Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? A: Their personality. Q: You're walking down a road, all of a sudden it split into three branches. In the left one, thereUs a good conductor, in the middle one thereUs a bad conductor, and in the right one there is the tooth fairy. Each one beckons you to follow him/her. Which one should you follow? A: The bad conductor because the other two don't exist. Q: There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up? A: The drummer who keeps bad time: the other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway. Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this? A: The frog's probably on its way to a gig. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- An organist was out on the town and came across a new club. He entered, and the manager greeted him and told him about the "progressive format." "You see, we have several different rooms here. On the door of each you will see a number. That number is the average IQ of the people inside." The organist thinks this is a wonderful idea, and soon finds Room 150. Inside is a brass quintet discussing brass quintet things, favorite composers, favorite instruments, and the like. The organist had just finished a concert with a brass quintet and was in no mood for more. He walked down the hall and found Room 100. Inside was a symphony orchestra holding a convention on who the greatest conductor of all time is. Since organists don't usually need conductors, he left. Next was Room 60. Inside was Philip Glass and John Cage. The organist did not stay very long at all (though Glass and Cage were inspired by the slamming door). At the very end of the hall was a battered old door with beer bottles, needles, and other detritus. But the organist was bored and decides that it's worth a shot. Inside are two punk-looking guys sitting on two stools in an otherwise empty room. One punk says to the other: "So, what kind of sticks do you use?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= So this trumpet player dies, see? And when he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house and killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?" Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin? You might bend the nail. What is worse than a harp ensemble playing Bach transcriptions? You've got to be kidding. What is another name for the cadenza in a cello concerto? Comic relief. Why is there so little solo repertoire for the string bass? Misery loves company. And while it breaks my heart to slander the King of Instruments, I include one viola joke for the sake of a foolish consistency: How do you tell a viola from a violin with a thyroid condition? The viola is the one playing whole notes.