1. "My hard disk won't boot". I suggest they take the floppy out of drive A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully removed the floppy drive from the machine (with the floppy disk still inside). 2. "My dog goes nuts when I run Windows. No problem with any DOS programs". Her monitor had a cracked flyback transformer. When the multisync monitor switched scan rates upon entering Windows, the high frequency audio produced by the broken flyback was heard by the dog. 3. "Michaelangelo virus ate my hard disk, but I have a tape backup. Can you help me restore the system". No problem. When I arrive, I find the data on the tape was 18 months old and that she had never run a backup. "I thought you just shoved in the tape and it sucked up the data". 4. "How do I get on the national data information super highway?". I ask if he has accounts on any bbs's. He has Netcom, Compuserve, and others. I tell him he's already on the highway. "Is that all there is?" I hangup. 5. "What's the fastest way to move 500MBytes of data daily from Santa Cruz to Los Angeles?". Answer: FedEx. 6. How many RJ45 connector does it take to build 8ea 10baseT cables? Answer: 45. I put the first 16 connectors on with one end backward. I then chopped off the good ends. Chopping off the other 8 connectors and effectively starting over consumed another 16 connectors. The 2nd try resulted in one end being mirror-imaged. Chopping of 8 more connectors I finally got them wired correctly. Then I tested them for continuity and found 5 bad crimps. Total=45. 7. "What kind of hard disk do you have?" Well... It's black with a little red light ... (groan). 8. Most common support call. "I lost my CMOS setup. How many heads, cylinders, and sectors does a _______ drive have?". 9. "I move the mouse in any direction and the cursor only moves an inch or so on the screen and stops". Take the foam shipping ring out from around the mouse ball. 10. "My systems on fire. What do I do?". Ummmmm. Turn it off? "(Click)" 11. Most hated support call: "I'm not sure if we need a computer system. Can you give me the relative advantages of Unix, DOS, Windows, Novell, MacIntosh, Sun, etc...?". 12. Favorite software support call: "I just installed Word 6.0 for Windows. It's really big and slow. How much will it cost to upgrade my machine?" 13. "My floppy drive won't read disks". I suggest they clean out the dust from the drive. "I can't". Huh? "The dust won't move". I find that they were using spray glue near the machine and that all the dust was glued in place. 14. How to impress a new customer: I walk into the computer room and knock the fire extinguisher off the wall which immediately sprays everything with dust. 15. "My printer stopped working". Turn it upside down and shake out the staples and paper clips. Works every time. 16. "Can you teach me how to use a computer?". I answer: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them. 17. The company motto: "If this stuff worked, you wouldn't need me". 18. From one of my smarter clients: "Why is something broken every time you're here?" 19. "I'm trying to install a 2nd IDE drive. Support told me to take out ALL the jumpers". How many did you take out? "12". (What they meant were the two easily accessible jumpers). 20. I call a manufacturer to order a manual on some junk I picked up surplus. The receptionist asks my name and company. She notes that I'm not in their database and could she have my address and phone numbers. No problem. I'm then transfered to the customer service department which notes that I'm not in the database and asks for the same information. The customer service person transfers me to the the parts department which notes that I'm not in the database etc... Since the manual will take a few days to arrive, I ask for tech support who notes that I'm not in the database etc... The manual arrived promptly followed by 4 identical envelopes of promotional... . . . ...interrogate me. Someone called complaining that I was using a computer to steal money from the payphone. 28. Having my system page me when it does an unscheduled reboot was a good idea. Having all my customers machines do the same was a mess after a power failure and 100+ pages. 29. "My hard disk has a virus!". How can you tell, I ask? "When I type DIR, it says VIRUS